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Topic: Snippet of something I'm working on. Feedback?

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I'd like to know what you guys think of this so far. First impressions, any criticism you have to offer, suggestions, etc. If you need some story-line context, this is the very beginning and how it starts off.

xxxxxI hid under the comfort of my bedspread adorned with whatever cartoon was popular at the time. I could feel my fingers struggle and shake from the force of my hold, in pure desperation. My eyes were clenched tight to eliminate all possibility of seeing the end that was surely about to come. I remained silent and still, save for my shaking hands and breath. In my temporary fortress it began to get damp and warm from my rapid, uneven breathing. It tempted me to escape, to breathe new air even for just a second, but I knew that’s what it wanted so I lay as still as I could.
xxxxxI let my ears take up as much energy from my body as they wanted to listen for impending doom. They filtered away the sounds caused by my terror until nothing could be heard. Silence is dangerous. Silence lets thoughts wander, it lets your guard slip. I needed to stay focused. Just as my breaths began to happen at a steady pace, my ears were filled with the distant sound of creaking wood. I was reminded of my task at hand and fear began to flow through my veins once more. I grasped the covers as tight as I could manage, clenching my fist tighter still each time the sound got louder.
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I'd like to read more, great start!
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5/26 6:24pm
I like it so far! It sounds pretty interesting!

So far, the only CC I could give would be to add a little more detail to the events. Maybe add why the narrator is watching the TV and what it's doing for them and that sort of thing? I'm not an expert, though, so you can take some of what I'm saying with a grain of salt.

But hey! I really like it!
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4/29 8:44pm
I actually really like that beginning. I think that the vagueness and sort of grim start is a very good beginning to a book. Definitely pulled me in!

I like the part about silence, as well. PM me if you want any more feedback. I like it so far!
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4/21 2:56pm
Very nice! Just enough information to give us a thought of something sinister happening that or perhaps maybe night terrors ^.^ Great job, nonetheless!
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Creative Writing Board » Topic: Snippet of something I'm working on. Feedback?

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