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Topic: Unnamed Story Excerpt Needing Constructive Criticism

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Tiger_Lily1
 
Last Active
4/21 9:21pm
Hello, everyone! I'm a budding writer, I've been posting fan fiction on this board since 2009 and have just turned 16 so quite a long time, I enjoy writing so much and I thought I would post a short excerpt to be judged. This is from one of my stories and it's relatively short and random but I would love to know everyone's opinion, even if they don't know the full context/back story. Be totally honest, I can always improve and constructive criticism motivates me! I can post more of my stories if you like also!




I watch Peter unwrap a peppermint stick and swirl it into his hot chocolate. He hasn't noticed me yet, so I stare at him,  sprawled across a stark white couch. His legs are a million miles long, ending abruptly in fur lined boots that sit on the sofa. His mother would kill him, I think. Peter knows.

There's something different about him when he thinks no one else is around. It's not just his posture, which is quite poor as of now, or his hair, which is unkempt. It's his entire being. His whole soul is unraveled, unguarded. He arches his back and stares at the ceiling, his lips moving, counting the lavender flowers scattered across the wall. It's such a childish thing to do, and I see a trace of the rosy-cheeked boy he once was in his brown eyes. They seem deep, endless, impossibly large, two cocoa brown pools of curiosity. He's so beautiful in this moment, it hurts.

I shuffle against the foyer and Peter jolts up. His drink sloshes in his mug but it doesn't spill, of course. "Hey," he breathes.

"Hi," I say. His lip curls, and the Peter of seconds ago is gone.
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DaBraxMan
 
Name
Ethan
ACGC Town
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9/28 4:27pm
This is great. Four points of criticism, one very minor.

Firstly, why would his mother kill him? Also, his legs being "a million miles long" seems to be a somewhat-awkward overstatement. "Impossibly long," maybe?

His eyes are described with a bit too many commas. The detail is OK, but the structure is off. Perhaps an ellipse would work there. I love the sentence after it.

The minor one is just an extra space before "sprawled".

This is great, looking forward to more writings from you! I'd love to watch this become a full story.

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Alexander1
 
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Alex
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11/21 6:47pm
I quite enjoyed reading that! I'd certainly be interested to see more.

The description of Peter's eyes (already previously mentioned) could do with a semi-colon; it might be a little cleaner if it were written like "They seem deep, endless, impossibly large; two cocoa brown pools of curiosity." All in all, I was quite impressed! I hope you keep writing, because it's excellent!
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Creative Writing Board » Topic: Unnamed Story Excerpt Needing Constructive Criticism

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