Dan - Buzzman: I swear this is the name of a Kingdom Hearts game. Not like I'd know, of course—Those games are for lamers. Anyway, this story already won Dougie's comp or something, didn't it? Not like that gives you a free pass, but odds are it's at least adequate. A brief glance confirms my suspicions. Get in here.
UG - Hoh hoh hoh, yes yes.
Keno - You already know my opinion of your writing. This is a huge yes from me.
Dan - Queen Lizzy: A Huger Games thing, huh? (Not a typo) I can't help but notice how silly some of the names are. Almost seems like you're going for a parody approach. Actually, that's pretty funny. Somebody should do that. Anyway, the story. It looks decent, and I'm not truly in the critical of mind right now. I say you go through.
UG - Wow, talk about attention to detail. Yup, it's a yes.
Keno - Same as well. Yes from me.
Compy - Yes. Don't see this one being as successful as your past work, doesn't mean it isn't as good.
UG - There are some things to be cleaned up, particularly pertaining to tone and style, but I like what I see so far. It's a yes from me~
Dan - Marshy Mellow: Seriously? Zombies? Is that what's going on here? Incredible. Nothing glaring jumps out at me, but I, er... might not have read every word. Quick, go on through before they start asking questions!
Keno - Ah, your writing is much better than it used to be. I can see a great improvement in diction, plot, and detail. This is a yes from me.
UG - Hm, this is a toughie for me... Not quite sure how I feel about it. It's not horrible. It's not even that bad. But there's just some questionable word choice/character setup/structure/etc. Like, I don't understand why a big strong gym leader who has just been attacked and had his pokemon stolen would just lay down on the ground and cry...? Doesn't seem to make much sense to me. Anyway, I'm not a big fan of the prologue, but I have no idea where it's going, so I'm gonna wait to make a decision until there's just one chapter up.
Dan - FallBird: I think I agree with UG. Ain't a lot here to look at. I you could give us another chapter, that'd be swell.
Keno - Let me start out by saying your username is totally epic and I be jellin'. But I think there's too little material for me to properly evaluate your entry. If you could post another chapter or two, that'd be great.
Compy - Yes
I await reviews from one of the judges for the rest.
Signature--------------
Call me Ghost, not LilKitten, Kitten, LK or any other variation.
Call me that and you'll get smacked upside the head. - Sincerely, Ghost
*flags* Wow, I literally could have sworn that I already flagged this...
Anyway, I'd like to apologize to everyone who's been waiting so patiently. My lack of activity has been what's holding everyone up. >.< My sincerest apologies! )': BUT. I'm back on my game now, so ya'll betta watch out. ;D
To AutumnPhoenix: Yes, I know he was hit in the back of the head. It still seems slightly strange to me that, if he was hit so incredibly hard that he passed out, that he would have to energy/clarity of mind/that much consciousness of cohesion about him to start bawling over the loss of his Pokemon (or the pain, for that matter). But that was really only a small point.
Because Compy's not going to post it, I'll just post my own revised review for you since I've read your next chapter.:
"Ah, the next chapter is much more solid and sensible than your first. The character's re/actions are much more realistic, and the description is also sensible. Great improvement so far, and I'll give you a yes."
Dan - chillday0706: Kinda the same thing with this. Maybe I'm coming at this too soon? Gotta let these buds flower. ((talking about lack of content))
Keno - While the material here is a little bit longer than AP's, it's still hard to judge. Gonna have to ask for another chapter or two as well.
Compy - Same
UG - Did anyone else think "Hunger Games" when they read the italicized portion of this prologue...? Anyway, it reminded me exactly of that. Which can either be a good or bad thing I guess, depending on where you intend to go with this story. Just know that the Hunger Games popped into my head while I was reading. Also, I seem to be reading a lot of foreign/alien invader fanfics on here... So I really hope you go somewhere original with this. Anywho, I like the little bit of character interaction you threw in at the end there. I think you could really develop the two of them a lot throughout this story, so I'll look forward to seeing where it goes. It's a yes!
Keno - Wow, there's a lot here. I'll start out by saying you should probably add more detailed paragraphs here and there instead of breaking a line after every dialogue (which gets to be a little more annoying and harder to read). In addition, you definitely need more detail in this story. Everything feels a bit rushed and and a little cut short, if you know what I mean. However, this plot is rather interesting and I can tell your dedicated to the story. I'm going to give this a yes but I highly recommend working on description and how you organize your chapters.
Dan - WarthogsACCF: This is something we see a lot, and it's not exactly a bad thing, but your story's got a pretty advanced case of One-Line Paragraph Syndrome. Looks like it's mostly back-and-forth character dialogue, and in those cases it's okay, but you typically don't want to tell a story just with characters talking anyhow. Don't be afraid to ramble on a bit when your describing stuff. There's a balance between detail and conciseness, but don't worry about that. Write lots now, write well later. Dangit, I said I wasn't gonna put a lot of effort into these. I'll benefit of the doubt ya, and give you a go through.
Keno - This entry, like a couple of the others, is pretty short - but I'm going to work with it. This seems like it's going to turn into a mystery/adventure sort of story, if what I'm interpreted from the title is right. Anyways, there are numerous amount of typos in this story. You also do that indent to your paragraphs which reminds me of another ACC user, and it's a little strange but I don't think most people would mind. However, I find the entry to be lacking in description and detail. I'm comparing it to the other entries and unfortunately I'm going to have to say no.
Dan - ban'd annie: I'm not the only one that thought of Ninja Turtles, right? Please say yes. Anyway, like the others before, there ain't a lot here, but what there is kinda iffy. I'm tempted like the others just to say you need before I can form a decent enough picture of your writing. As it stands, I don't think this is good enough to go through.
Compy - Sorry, going to have to be a no.
UG - So a couple things: first off, the mechanics could use some work. Your spelling and grammar is sometimes questionable, but with a little editing help, you can fix that up no problem. The tougher thing to fix is your vey rushed, choppy style. As I'm reading, it sounds like you have a lot of good things to say, but sometimes they don't come across as well because everything comes and goes so quickly. So when you're done writing a chapter, try really stepping back and distancing yourself from it, so that you can read it through very slowly and critically to see if it comes across the way you want it to. But again, I digress -- what the hey, let's go with a yes. (WHOA. What a rhyme. xP)
Keno - Ah yes, this is a nice refreshing story. Detail, interesting plot, interesting characters. A yes from me.
Dan - RedLovee: Well hey, this is pretty good. Strong start, and usually folks get better as they go. Oui, madame.
Compy - A new talent I'm rather excited about. I'm hoping you'll be the dark horse. Yes.
UG - I love it so far. 8D Good chapter/paragraph lengths, dramatic storyline so far, interesting characters. (And I'm a sucker for cutesy little scenes, like a bunch of little kittens getting excited outside a cafe over some peppermint coffee. xP) You have very nice descriptive passages -- I can see everything very clearly -- but sometimes the wording is just a tiny bit... off? Anyway, nothing catastrophic! No, just little things that I'm sure you can fix up if you want. Either way, it's still excellent so far! Keep up the good work -- yes from me!
Compy - I'm sorry, you're not good enough to go up against the others this year. No.
Keno - I'm unsure if your quality is able to compete against the others. I'm going to say no.
Dan - TranslucentMineralFormation: Looking at the first chapters, this would definitely be a no. But interestingly enough, the latest one is a big improvement. Maybe this isn't winner material, but I'll give it a yes from the depths of my supreme optimism.
UG - Oh gosh, where do I start... Well, first of all, part of writing a story is to really get the reader to care about what happens to the main character, or to sympathize with him/her. And right now, reading your story... I don't really care at all what happens to your main character. From the reader's perspective (or my perspective, anyway) she just seems like a moody, stuck-up newcomer with multiple-personality disorder. (That is, of course, a bit of an exaggeration, but you get my point.)
On another note, the mechanics are... questionable, to say the least. It seems you've improved as your chapters went on (thank you for beginning to space out your paragraphs and put spaces after commas and periods), but there's still grammar mistakes, spelling mistakes, and you don't seem to know when to use "a" versus "an". (Just to name a few mechanical things.) You also occasionally slip between writing in past and present tense.
And my last point (sorry for such a long review), the plot. Where is it even going...? Is there even a plot at all? Right now, it feels like a bunch of almost unrelated mini episodes to introduce a whole bunch of random characters from the village that don't ever show up again. (If you were using these mini episodes to develop your main character's personality and role, then that'd be great. But it doesn't feel like you're doing that.) You have a good number of chapters up, and I feel like by now, you should have a more clear direction in your plot.
So... Yes or no? Sorry, I'm gonna have to say no. But I encourage you to keep working, because you definitely seem to be improving with every chapter you write.
Compy - You've improved over the two years, but keep trying hard to get far. Yes.
Keno - Definitely an improvement from 2010. Gonna say yes.
Dan - H. Badger: This is another OLPS sufferer, but hey, at least you've got a lot of them per chapter. Everyone else seems to have faith in your progress. So shall I. It's a yes.
UG - Okay, I won't lie. At first, I thought your story was just going to be really questionable... But I'm glad I kept reading! 'Cause I actually really like it. 8D It's very much unlike any other story entered. I like that it's silly, funny, and slightly satirical. The only thing that I would say is that the prose form is slightly misleading. Seeing as you intend these chapters to be episodes, and the whole thing is entirely dialogue driven, might I suggest writing it in a script form instead? I think that would be more effective, and it would get rid of all the redundant "he said" "she said".
Compy - Could really do with another chapter, but yes.
Keno - Amazing writing for your age, could use a little more than a chapter but for what it's worth it's great quality. Yes.
Dan - JadeForest: I see two chapters here, so I guess I'm coming at this late. They're not exactly short, but they could stand to be longer. That's all my criticism, though. It's decent otherwise. Yes.
UG - I'm not sure I even have to say it. xP Very strong and solid writing. Absolutely a yes from me!
Compy - No. You ruined my perfect final 12.... Fine, yes, you nut
Dan - Sword_Kirby: You guys and your single-story fanfics. Doesn't anybody have pre-existing stories anymore? Or wait, was that a rule? Whatever, this is a yes.
Keno -Yes
UG - At first -- and again, I won't lie -- I was like, aw maan... Another one of those 'sucked into AC' fics? But you did it very well! 8D I really like your characters so far, and the way you dealt with the actual being-sucked-in part. Awesome. (Only thing is, the brother dying kinda was like "whoa wait what". I'm assuming you probably don't really want it to be a big part of the story -- at least not now -- but maybe you could add a little extra tidbit about that... Like, how Star was devastated. As it stands, you just kinda say "Star was sad, but she liked the game more and well whatever." Maybe that was just me, but it moved forward a tiiiiny bit too fast for me.) BUT anyway. No seriously, I really super like it. Can't wait to read more. 8D Yes!
Posted:
10/2/2012 12:34am
